Dave

Eli and I watched the first season of Dave together during the pandemic. 

He was an early fan of Lil Dicky’s music, and became an even bigger fan of the show, which he felt was an underrated masterpiece. He loved to analyze each episode, breaking down the characters, relationships and songs to anyone who would listen.

He identified with the storylines and themes as well, and as a 20-year old finding his way, saw the show as a chance to reflect on what he was thinking about; insecurities, fame, success, perfection, validation, happiness.

For him, this wasn’t just a show about a rapper. It was so much more.

He wanted to be Lil Dicky. He identified with Dave.

My relationship to the show was a bit different.

Dave Burd and I spent our summers at the same overnight camp in Schwenksville, PA. We were campers at different times (early 80’s for me, late 90’s for him) and despite our 20-year age difference and having never met, I felt like I knew this guy inside and out.

Side note: According to camp legend, at the all-camp Talent Show, Dave, who was a camper at the time, walked on stage, sat in a chair, opened the most recent Harry Potter book that was all the rage, and began reading the final pages, horrifying the campers and counselors who were in the middle of reading it.

So, the idea that that my 20-year-old, SF born, Berkeley raised, Jewish, summer camp going, rap & sports loving oldest son, admired a 34-year-old Philly born and raised, summer camp going, sports loving, Jewish rapper, made me, a New Jersey born and raised, Jewish, summer camp going, sports loving 55-year-old, very happy.

The second season of Dave began in June of 2021, while Eli was in Yosemite working at Camp Tawonga.

With his limited internet access, we agreed that I wouldn’t start watching until he got home.

Two years later, I still hadn’t watched Dave, or a TV series of any kind from beginning to end, and was incapable of reading a novel, or following my favorite sports teams.

The things I used to do without thinking, I could no longer do.

Year two without him (Eli and Dave) turned into year three, and I started thinking more about the show, and decided it was time to watch, on my own.

Someone I know who lost their child told me that “chasing grief,” was a bad idea and to avoid it at all costs. 

I did the opposite.

I chased, caught it, held it close and wallowed in it.

I watched the first episode of season two through tears. My stomach hurt, my heart ached and all I could think about was how desperately I wanted Eli here, watching with me. 

It was also a great episode of television and I couldn’t wait to watch more.

I binged the two remaining seasons, texting with Eli’s lifelong friends about the show and pretending it was Eli I was texting.

Jesse, who was now the same age as his older brother, was a card carrying member of the Lil Dicky and Dave fan clubs and watched the show as well.

We talked after each episode, dissecting the characters, songs, and storylines we loved. The Birthday Episode, the pros and cons of celebrity cameos, whether he’s a better actor than rapper, and how I felt strongly that Harrison Ave should be the next great Broadway musical.

When Penith dropped, we listened separately, then texted each other the songs we loved:

Me: Harrison Ave, Mr. McAdams, Ally’s Song.

Jesse: Harrison Ave, I Love Myself, Going Gray.

We debated the songs we thought Eli would have loved, and Jesse was very clear:

Harrison Ave, No Fruits or Vegetables.

We also talked about relationships, camp, the past, our future, and the fact that I lost a son and he lost an older brother, and how it made us feel.

The conversations were hard, and I cherished every second.

After Eli died, I found a note that he wrote on his phone sometime in the spring of 2021, as a college sophomore:

Dave “lil dicky” Burd. Spent late nights watching everything there is to know about this fascinating individual. Excel in his field so naturally. Almost as though destined for greatness. Originally thought it was the fame that interested me. Though I’m now realizing anyone can be famous. Maybe it’s the greatness I’m interested in. I crave it. How much of it is for external validation? Jesus. Maybe I’m one of those people who will never feel complete if I’m not constantly being validated. And then once I finally achieve something great the validation isn’t enough and I feel emptier than before. 2:30 after going to bed early for the first time in as long as I can remember. Feels like some mid life crisis shit lol 

For Eli, Jesse and me Dave isn’t just a character on a TV show and Lil’ Dicky isn’t just a rapper.

They are both so much more.

October, 2024