Loopholes
I’ve always been most comfortable behind the camera.
The external hard drive I keep safely inside a drawer is filled with thousands of videos and photos of our family during Eli’s 20 years.
The significant, insignificant, meaningful and meaningless. I recorded it all, from my perspective, knowing our future selves would have these memories at our fingertips to enjoy over and over again. Together.
Eli loved watching old videos and throughout his life, would randomly shout, “let’s watch baby videos!” which was our cue to meet him on the couch for a look-back-at-our-life family video session.
The irony is not lost on me that I’m currently incapable of watching any of it.
But, the videos from Eli’s phone, the ones I never had access to until after he died, where he’s behind the camera, I watch over and over again. I’m more curious than sad.
This one is my favorite.
It was recorded in late September of 2019, four weeks into his Freshman year of college.
His friend, AJ, who he’d known for less than a month, is in front of the camera.
Eli asks AJ a deep, thoughtful question, because, he’s already made up his mind that AJ is going to be his good friend. And, this is the kind of conversation you have with a good friend.
AJ quickly brushes it off, not wanting to answer.
“That’s such a hard question.”
But, then, you see him shift a bit.
It’s as though in that moment, he was thinking, that’s such a hard question, but I love that this guy, who I’ve known for less than a month, is asking, and genuinely interested in the answer.
Then, AJ shifts his thinking again, (you can see his tiny smile) and decides that roasting Eli’s mom is the best possible answer to his question.
Eli’s laugh.
I’m convinced that his big-high-pitched-full-of-life-infectious laugh was not only because what AJ said was funny, but because Eli realized at that moment, he was right.
AJ was going to be his good friend.
And it made him really happy.
Eli’s laugh.
His voice.
At 20, you’re still trying to find it.
He had so much more to say.
The first time I gave any thought to the word “loophole,” was after reading the book Other People’s Words, by my friend, Lissy. It’s a memoir about friendship, loss and conversations that never end.
Lissy writes about the Russian philosopher Mikhail Bakhtin, “who used the term ‘loophole’ to describe this property of language that allows us to reimagine a story’s end. Bakhtin believed that a person’s language echoes long after the speaker is gone.”
Bahktin noticed loopholes in novels, where they reinterpret, or extend a narrative in a way that opens up new possibilities for meaning beyond the original story. It’s open ended, with multiple perspectives, giving the reader the opportunity to escape the original and consider alternative endings.
Lissy notices them in modern, everyday language. “Air quotes create loopholes, when we say something serious in a silly accent, add a winking face to our emoji strings. Loopholes are words with a sidewards glance, suggesting there’s always more to the story. We have not yet reached the end.”
His videos. His story.
An escape from my videos.
An opening to observe his life.
To see him differently.
From his perspective, not mine.
A loophole?
Since July 15, 2021, these loopholes have been in front of me all along, I’ve just been unable to see them as anything other than reminders that I’ll never see him again.
But now, the moments that remind me he’s not here, and the words and actions of other people and how they live their lives as a result of knowing Eli, look and feel different.
Still sad, and also moments that open up new possibilities for meaning and keep him present and part of our future.
Eli’s closest friends, who moved to New York and connected with his friend from college. The three of them now live together, living the life Eli was planning to live.
Hug Your Homies and lovelife hoodies, bracelets and tattoos.
The people in Eli’s life who continue to link elikanefund.org in their social media profiles, introducing him to their new connections.
A Spirit Award winner, who is an aspiring filmmaker and plans to dedicate her first movie to Eli.
His friends. Generous, kind and wise beyond their years, they keep in touch, talk about him, and let us in on their twenty-something lives.
Grieving strangers who tell me they feel seen and find comfort reading about Eli and our grief journey.
Eli’s High School classmate, who approached me at the Bagel Shop, cautiously introduced herself, and let me know that despite not traveling in the same circles, he was always kind to her and she thinks about him often.
The new people I meet who ask me about my kids. I talk about both of them. To know me is to know Jesse, and Eli.
Each year, introducing a Spirit Award Winner and their families to Eli.
Nan, who reminds me of him every day, in all the best ways.
Watching Jesse with Eli’s friends, who are now his friends.
My videos.
Loopholes.
Maybe, there’s more to his story, and we haven’t reached the end?
January, 2025